Upside-Down: my Saturn Return and where we go from here

Life is strange. It’s beautiful, and thrilling, and precious, and wonderful, but it’s so, so strange. From one year to the next, things shift and change, emotions and situations ebb and flow sometimes imperceptibly, sometimes in great tidal waves. If you had asked me last July where I would be in a year’s time, I would have told you I didn’t know—I knew it wasn’t going to be the same place I was standing then, but I never would have guessed it would be where I am today. And when Saturn slipped into Sagittarius late last year, effectively triggering my Saturn Return, I should have known that everything was about to flip upside-down.
The infamous Saturn Return was something I began to dread on the tail-end of my mid twenties—as much as I say I love change, I recognise now that there were elements of my life I was afraid of losing. And I knew in my heart I was still clinging to things that no longer served me, things that Saturn would clear out like a wrecking ball. By the time Saturn was back in it’s place, I had cracked down on my major, changed schools, found an apartment, moved across state lines, and adopted a cat before I even realised what was happening. Over the next few months, I took an internship at an amazing company, befriended some of the most positive, radiant people I’ve ever met, and really began cultivating the life I’d always dreamed of. There were only a handful of things holding me back.
With the things around me changing at such breakneck speed, it was inevitable that I, too, would change. I’ve often said that I really became the person that I am somewhere in the middle of my teen years—from the style of clothing I began to wear to the music I started listening to, it all traces a direct line to the person I am today. With my life turned upside-down, though, I realised that wasn’t true. That girl was bright, hopeful, romantic, optimistic, and after years of taxing toxic relationships with people and things around me, I had become cynical, guarded, and self-defeating. I told myself those were simply feelings that came with getting older and seeing the world at work around me—the world isn’t all blue skies and green pastures. With this revelation I could turn things around. Knowledge is power and recognition is the first step towards improvement. After years of backwards motion, I’m beginning to banish the more toxic aspects of my life and welcome back my more positive traits while inviting new and wonderful things into my life. Some of this comes as naturally as breathing—drawing in beauty and peace while expelling chaos and negativity. But some of it is incredibly painful and difficult—after so many years of clinging tightly to something, it becomes a security blanket, even when it’s so full of holes it hardly even serves a purpose anymore. I know, however, that in order to live the life I truly want, I need to leave myself a little vulnerable and deal with my own insecurities. No one gets anywhere playing it safe—besides, uncertainty holds its own thrills and I love a good adventure.
Starting Thursday, this site will be defunct. The blog will continue on with a new name and a new address, and I hope you’ll all join me as I explore my brave new world. You can expect posts about style, beauty, art, culture, and of course many more like this one. I can’t wait to share what I’ve been up to. See you on the other side.

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